The melancholy of bella swan
by sammisu
Summary: Bella swan joins the sos brigade, and so do a few other twilight characters. These additions to the sos brigade cause chaos.
1. bella finds an alien

The melancholy of bella swan episode 1: new sos brigade member!

Haruhi sits at her desk tapping her fingers on her cheek out of boredom. Haruhi's face light up, as she grabbed the back of kyon's shirt, causing him to fall backwards on her desk. Kyon started yelling at her "WHATS WRONG WITH YOU?!" Haruhi smiles and says, while spinning her finger around(who knows why?) "You were absent yesterday. A stinkin' twilight character TRANSFERRED TO OUR SCHOOL!!" Kyon stands there, his mouth open in shock, with a mad expression on his face because he thinks haruhi might be taking drugs. "What are you talking about?" said kyon, right when haruhi thought he was going to stop talking. Most of the class looked at haruhi and kyon, as haruhi said "BELLA SWAN JOINED THE SOS BRIGADE!" in a happy voice, as she pointed to a girl sitting next to her. By the way, the girl (who was obviously bella), had her hand on haruhi's chair, and she sitting so close to haruhi that nobody noticed. And I think you can figure out where she would move her hand if she thought haruhi would let her. Kyon didn't notice any of this, by the way. He just said "Uh…" and sat down. The class continued their lesson, and images flashed through kyons head. Images of things like bella introducing herself to the class in a similar way haruhi did, saying shes only interested in aliens, time travelers, espers etc. At the end of class, haruhi grabbed kyon again, and said "Okay kyon, sos brigade meeting!!!!", as she pulled his tie and went to the club room. When haruhi got their with kyon, she let go of his tie and looked around the room, her eyes narrowing. Kyon had no idea what she was doing, so they just both sat down at the table. Haruhi then heard extremely loud footsteps that sounded like a girl was jumping up and down while at the same time trying to run to haruhi's clubroom. Mikuru wasn't late, like bella was, and she was making some drink, what drink? Well I don't know. But it seemed to look like chocolate milk. "Why does chocolate milk look so much more yummy and delicious when mikuru makes it?" Thought kyon, as mikuru gave everyone some chocolate milk. The footsteps were getting louder, and they were so loud that mikuru dropped the plate she was holding, and it fell on the floor, but didn't brake. Who knows why? Who cares why? Anyway, The door opened super fast and there was bella, running in extremely fast in the room as if she was late for a meeting with some sort of god or goddess. She was wearing a ponytail, and of course kyon couldn't stop looking at her like an idiot because of it. She was also holding a very pretty dress, and said, with a smile "I GOT A NEW COSTUME FOR MIKURU!! I THINK ITS MUCH CUTER AND MORE MOE THAN ANY OTHER SHE HAS WORN!!!" Expecting haruhi to molest her and try to undress her and force her to wear the costume, mikuru shivered with unnecessary fear. She was very wrong about what she thought. Haruhi just sat at the table reading twilight while bella ran to mikuru and hugged her. Next thing you know, bella is saying "COME ON, MIKURU CHAN!! TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF AND PUT ON THESE!!" while trying to strip mikuru and pull her dress off. Blah blah blah. Even kyon didn't notice because he was too busy staring at bella's hair like an idiot. Haruhi continued to read for several minutes when mikuru was suddenly wearing a very cute moe dress, Extremely similar to alice-chan's. (in my personal opinion, it is only moe when alice wears it.) Anyway, you know how retarded kyon is, and can't control himself in public, so he started showing all of the signs of an aroused male, just like whenever mikuru is in the same stinkin' universe as him. Haruhi put a bookmark in her book and looked at mikuru chan "Where did you get that dress, mikuru-chan?" "Stop pretending not to notice that bella just molested her." Thought kyon. Bella smiled "Well you see haruhi, I just came in here with it and took her clothes off, so im the one who got the dress." "Stop pretending not to notice that haruhi is pretending not to notice that you just molested mikuru." Thought kyon. "I got it from alice-chan." Haruhi smiled "What did you do, steal it?" Bella laughs "Of course not, you silly head!" Haruhi smiled again. "Okay. Anyway, were going to look for aliens today. (She never found out how bella got the dress hehe…)While walking with the rest of the sos brigade out of the school, haruhi made a list of nicknames.

Jacob=jake-kun

Bella=suzua-chan (suzu means bell in Japanese.)

Alice=alice-chan

Edward=Edtango-kun (tango means word in Japanese)

Haruhi just put the list in her purse, and continued looking for aliens.

"Okay everyone, Were going to split up!" said haruhi, walking toward a restaurant.

Haruhi held out a hat that pieces of paper in it. She walked into the restaurant, holding it in her hand. The sos brigade sat at a table and haruhi said "Everyone picks a paper from this hat telling them who their partner is. I go first." Haruhi picked a paper from the hat that said "Mikuru" on it. Bella started crying "I WANT TO BE HARUHI'S PARTNER!!" Haruhi threw the hat in the trash, causing kyon to say "Uh, haruhi…" haruhi ignored him, and said "Okay. Im with bella. Kyon is with mikuru because he likes her. Itsuki is with yuki because neither of them care who they are with. Okay. Now we will order food so we don't starve to death." Haruhi turned around "Uh…waiter?" The waiter passed by her. She got mad, turned to the sos brigade, and said "I'll get him this time, don't worry." Several minutes, haruhi was saying things to the waiter and yelling to get his attention.

"Er…waiter?"

"Waiter dear?"

"Hey wait a second, waiter, waiter!!"

"WAIIITTTTTTEEEER!!!!!"

It turns out the waiter was kyon's cousin. Not until she said "WAITER, I HAVE PICTURES OF KYONKO WITH A PONYTAIL!!!" did the waiter notice her and come to the table. She also had to flip to the page in the twilight book wear Bella was wearing a ponytail, and shove it in his face. The waiter said "What would you all like?" It took hours for them to order their food, due to haruhi's constantly changing her mind. They ate their food, and haruhi realized bella was missing from the table. She didn't seem to care…much. Well, it turns out that bella had a teleportation device, and teleported to forks. She looked around for aliens at forks, on account of "I swear I saw an alien here once!" thought bella. She looked around and saw jake-kun, ran to him, grabbed his shirt, and pressed the button on her teleportation device. She opened the door to the restaurant and found out the sos brigade was done eating. She went outside and saw haruhi standing in the middle of the sidewalk, looking for her. She ran to haruhi and said "Haruhi! I found an alien!" Jake-kun's eyes widened in shock "Er…alien?!" Haruhi put her thumb down, and said "That's just jake-kun, bella." Bella smiled "But you have to admit he looks like an alien!" Haruhi frowns "But he isn't" Bella smiles again "Okay! I will go look for one!" several minutes later, bella returned with Edward. "This guy_ looks_ like an alien." Edward almost laughed. Haruhi said "Hes not an alien, believe it or not." Bella got frustrated "Okay, now I will find a REAL alien!" said bella as she ran away. She came back later with alice, and said "Shes an alien." Haruhi looked pleased "You found one!" Haruhi turns around facing kyon, itsuki, yuki, and mikuru. She then said "You oughta be ashamed of yourselfs! Look, bella has very little experience searching for aliens and it only took her 3 tries to find an alien! You all have been searching for aliens for over a year and you never found an alien!!"

End of episode 1

Bonus: Dress explaination

Bella-chan liked alice-chans dress and they exchanged outfits. However, bella thought mikuru would look cute in it, and that its better than any stupid retarded maid or nurse outfit out there. Therefore, bella decided to let mikuru wear it. Just thought I would let you know


	2. the sos brigade meets stephenie meyer

Episode 2

Bella runs in at the speed of light (almost!) holding a piece of paper, with the words "Lets play baseball at my house! –edward" Bella stands on haruhi's desk and shows the paper to everyone, smiling, and says "EDWARD MADE A BET WITH ME. THE ONE WHO WINS AT BASEBALL WINS AND GETS 5 DOLLARS!!! BUT WE NEED MORE TEAM MEMBERS! SO THIS IS WHAT I DID." The sos brigade stares at her and doesn't say a word. She continues "I FOUND US ANOTHER SOS BRIGADE MEMBER!!!" Bella jumps off the desk and goes outside the club room, and brings a girl in a girl. She was holding a book that said "The melancholy of haruhi suzumiya" in Japanese on the cover. She had long blonde hair, pale skin, and was wearing an outfit almost exactly like haruhi's. A cosplay otaku, of course. Her nose was in the book and she didn't look like she wanted to take it out. If you are retarded and do not know that expression, it means she doesn't want to stop reading. If you really _needed_ that explanation, you are retarded. Go back to school and learn your idioms. Haruhi smiled and said "Excellent idea, bella! Easy bucks!" Does haruhi really think that she can win against Edward, who has had centuries of experience? Bella frowned "But Edward has himself, jake-kun, asakura, and 5 guys we don't know on his team. That's 8 People! I would invite alice to play with us, but my teleportation device is lost! We only have you, me, kyon, itsuki, mikuru, yuki, and Rosalie." Rosalie continued to read her book. Itsuki looked conserned and stared at the teleportation device in his hand. "This was _your_ teleportation device? Oops, here you go." Haruhi gave itsuki a thumbs up. "Great, now go to forks and get alice and bring her back here. By the way, how did Edward meet asakura? Do you know?" Bella smiled as itsuki gave her the device "For your information, Asakura transferred to forks, not Canada. By the way, the baseball game is _in_ forks. So we all need to hold hands and just teleport there together, because the game is not in japan. Bella held a device in her hand, putting the other one around haruhi's arm. Haruhi held mikuru's hand. Mikuru held yuki's hand, who held itsuki's hand, who of course held kyon's hand. Kyon held Rosalie's hand. Then bella squeezed the device and they teleported to forks. Everyone let go of everyone else, and followed bella to alice's house. She knocked on the door, no, she banged on the door with, um, haruhi's twilight book. Alice opened the door, and said "um…hi." Bella smiled, haruhi's twilight book still im her hands. "We are playing against Edward and we need YOU to join our team." Alice smiled "Uh…Okay." Alice stared at haruhi's book and said "What Is that?" Bella smiled "I dunno." Haruhi grabbed the book and threw it to kyon "Its kyon's twilight book!" Kyon looked grossed out "Ew!! I touched twilight!" Itsuki got mad "Don't insult my favorite book!!!" Bella grabbed it from kyon and flipped through the pages "Bella swan?! Edward cullen?! WHAT THE BLEEP?! Im gonna give stephenie meyer a piece of my mind! Who does she think she is, blah blah blah." Bella took her cell phone out of her purse and called Edward on the phone "Edward-kun, that idiot stephenie meyer wrote a love story, OF US, and made you a vampire!" Bella hung up. Edward felt like he was going to throw up. "_US?! EW!" _screamed Edward as he put his phone in his purse. "Hmph!" Bella put her hands on her waist, and said "I guess we will have to just ask random girls on the street if they are stephenie meyer. Sorry for wasting your time, alice kins…er chan oops." The sos brigade ran away. Edward said the same exact thing to his team mates, as all of them plus the sos brigade started looking for hours for stephenie meyer. Yuki frowned and put her face in her hands. "You are embaressing me. Something is telling me that stephenie meyer is that drunk man over there. Bella ran to the man and said "Excuse me? Are you Stephanie meyer?" It turns out yuki was playing a trick on bella to embaress her. Yuki was laughing, kyon was crying with embaressment. To yuki's shock, the man said "Oh Stephen moker? Yeh I knim that man. We always used to be eachother and get drunk and pour ice cream on eachother and…and…" Stephanie gave a drunk smile and fell to the floor.

End of episode 2

Bonus: Afterwords

Who knows what happened? Who cares? The plot for this episode is finished.


	3. kyon's dream

Episode 3

Everyone in the sos brigade sat at the table exept haruhi (who was on the computer, doing what, I wonder?) Actually, bella and Rosalie weren't there. But they came in, Rosalie wearing a maid outfit similar to mikuru's (rosalie's was pink, however), and alice was with them. Alice said "They told me I should join. Plus my friend Samantha wants to join to." (Samantha is me lol) Alice, bella, and Rosalie were still standing at the door way. "Well what are you waiting for? And where is Samantha?" said haruhi. Alice pointed at the table where Samantha was sitting. Nobody noticed her?! Samantha was drinking some chocolate milk and eating sushi. She had long brown hair, big brown eyes. She was wearing a cardigan and a tank top, with a skirt that had a ribbon on it. Haruhi sat at the computer, scrolling through a document and drooling. Mikuru gave her some chocolate milk and said "Hey everyone look at what haruhi is reading!!" Mikuru sat down at the table and the only one who cared about what she said was Rosalie. Rosalie ran to haruhi and haruhi closed the window. Rosalie got curious. "What is that? Why is this document called new moon? I wanna see what it is!" Of course, you know haruhi is ashamed of reading new moon, so she didn't let Rosalie grab the mouse. Rosalie tried to get it, but haruhi raised her hand in the air with the mouse. Rosalie tried to grab it, but haruhi didn't let her. Wow, haruhi really is ashamed of that book! For some reason, out of the blue, no, I should say out of the randomness, the computer shut down, and haruhi started crying. Bella got sad and said "Well, I don't know what happened, but it looks like you will need a new computer. So I will help you get one. Bella grabbed haruhi's hand and took her to the computer club. Bella walked in with haruhi and said "We need a new computer, and all the accessories that go with it!!!" The president put his hand on his face "Not again!" Bella got mad and grabbed the computer presidents hand. She put it on haruhi's….um…im not sure what word to use for it. But it wasn't her boobs, I can say that. Several minutes later, of bella photographing the computer president "sexually harassing" haruhi, they finally got the computer, and bella showed the sos brigade her photos and bragged that she was an amazing photographer. She went on the new computer, and made a website called "The photography of bella swan" and uploaded the pictures to the internet. Kyon saw her upload them and said "WHAT IS THAT?!" Bella smiled "Oh, its my photography." Kyon looked mad "You cant put that stuff on the internet!" Samantha got up and pushed kyon to the window "Your not her boss you stupid atheist person!" Kyon got surprised at that "What?!" Bella got up from the chair to talk to kyon like a normal human being, and kyon explained to her that she shouldn't put those pictures up. After several minutes of explaining, she didn't seem to care that any creep an access the website. She got extremely mad and ran out of the clubroom. What happened after that was dull., so I will skip to kyon going to sleep. Kyon "woke up" he thought, in what was probably a closed space. Bella was shaking him so that he would wake up. Kyon got mad "What are you doing? What?!" Kyon looked around, and got up. Bella looked ecstatic "Kyon! Were in one of those closed space thingies! Just like when you and haruhi got stuck! Cool, huh! But how are we gonna get out?" Kyon crossed his arms "Um….It is NOT cool, it is bad! What, are you crazy or something?" Bella started running towards the door to the school. Kyon smiled and said "I thought you were gonna try to go home." Bella gave him a look that cant be described in words, as she said "What, do you think im retarded?! I _remember _you and haruhi getting stuck in the closed space. So come on, you need to go turn on the computer!" Bella ran towards the school, and kyon followed her. When they got in, they walked to the sos brigade room, and saw itsuki koizumi talking to kyonko in another language, and kyonko was sitting at the table blushing tomatoe red. "I wonder what they are talking about. Must be something sexual or whatever." Bella looked curious "What are you guys doing here?" Bella went to the computer, but itsuki said "Nagato said not to turn on the computer!!!" Bella ignored him, and turned it on. "WAIT, SHE SAID NOT TO TURN ON THE-" Kyon woke up in his bed, and rolled off the floor. "WHAT KIND OF DREAM WAS THAT?!"

End of episode 3


End file.
